How to Discuss an Argument with your Physician Partners

Arguments happen, especially in physician practice.

Once it happens, how should you discuss an argument you’ve had with your physician partners?

Since you are not married, though some good argument skill flow from couples therapy, financial concerns are present. But more important is the trust and the relationship.

If you have had a fight with a physician partner and emotions are high, how might you discuss the argument to facilitate better communication, and thus trust, in the future?

What Are We Talking About?

Unless you are truly solo practice, we all have physician partners. So not unexpectedly, we have big personalities and arguments happen.

After, talking about the fight in a semi-structured setting may be useful to re-set expectations, air the laundry, and strengthen the relationship (or at least prevent its future deterioration).

Let’s be honest; arguments with colleagues contribute to physician burnout. Therefore, we need to talk more to prevent physician burnout. I have contributed to this discussion with my bit on Shame and Physician burnout.

Therefore we must discuss arguments we have had with our physician colleagues. This is to “talk out” the issue, to promote discussion rather than the argument. But, really, this is an opportunity to turn down the emotions and to understand the other person’s point of view. You don’t even have to believe their point of view.

It’s an opportunity to enjoy the practice of medicine more by having better physician partners. Or maybe even more just less plain annoying ones.

Why Should Physician Partners Discuss an Argument?

So, why should physician partners diss an argument? Because there is a history. Or, if there is no history, then this perhaps semi-sordid event will be the history of the next interaction.

The fundamental reason to discuss an argument, however, is to practice discussing an argument. Unfortunately, we were never shown how to have a healthy argument with our partners. Academics and hierarchy are not the answer. So, instead, it is easy to keep a slow burn between you and your partner rather than extinguishing it. Too much of that, and there is an increased risk of burnout.

Perhaps you, too, find that you had a paucity of examples of healthy discussion of arguments in your medical training and want to spend a couple of minutes on a semi-structured discussion.

Here are some ideas to consider.

How to Discuss an Argument with Your Physician Partner

Since I’m not too fond of lists, here is a list of how to discuss an argument with your physician partner.

Make it clear you are having the discussion, and both agree to it. No, you don’t have to send a zoom invite. Just say, “Hey can we talk about this.”
Recognize that it might have caused emotions.
Use I statements
Take turns listening

Ok, seriously, it goes like this.

Hey, if you got a sec, can we talk about something? Ok, great, thanks. Hey, we talked about x last week, and I got a [emotion], or maybe it is just that I want to understand better what both you and I were thinking about the thing so that we can work together well.

And then you both take turns listening. Seriously, don’t interrupt; just listen to understand. If you are new to the game, you can even use statements like “I heard you said” and then literally repeat back what they said. It works with patients; why not use it here?

Honestly, understanding is good enough. If you are really interested in the topic, the next step is to brainstorm and then focus on the solution rather than the problem. That’s not always practical at work.

Pitfalls in Physician Partner Arguments

Some pitfalls to avoid:

Using “always” or “never”
Only focusing on the problem, never bothering to brainstorm or actually come to a solution
Using “you” instead of “I” statements. Seriously, this is basic stuff, but we just don’t do it!
Not actively listening
Being emotional when having the discussion. Harder said than done, but remember that someone has to de-escalate the situation. As therapists like to say: do you wanna be right, or do you wanna be happy?
Avoid your nature to respond and defend; just listen
Compromise
Understand what is important to one but not to the other

Finally, if you’ve got the bandwidth during a discussion with a physician partner, remember your body language. And you know the data are good for taking one or three deep breaths before responding. How come you are not doing that? I want eyeglasses so I can take them off, clean them, and then put them back on my face before responding to certain questions. Poor eyesight is such a luxury!

Emotions in Physician Arguments

Notice I cleverly avoided discussing an emotional aspect of this. No doubt some of your arguments at work have caused you emotion. But this is not my focus today. You do you emotionally.

Common physician emotions are the common emotions that people have.

Sensitivity to triggers is required rather than polite.

Summary – How to Discuss an Argument with Physician Partners

In summary, arguments happen, and you won’t always get a good resolution.

But talking about it will prevent physician burnout, and you might have better relationships at work. Because you spend a lot of time at work, physician partners are important, and learning how to argue by discussing your arguments is important.

And we did not learn this skill in med school or residency, so we need to practice it. Not every time. And not with everyone. But remember the 80/20 rule and focus on what small investment in time might save you the most somewhere else.

Fundamentally, the idea is not to solve the issue. It is to understand both sides better. Remember, absolutely nothing (irony intended) is either/or. Nothing is 100%. Both points of view are valid. Period. After all, in the end is empathy where, rather than proving that we are right, we understand that we have been listened to and understood.