Teaching Children About Hope
Hope can and should be taught to our children. While temperaments such as optimism or pessimism may be less malleable, hope is learned.
Children will take certain actions as they hope for a good outcome. Let’s encourage appropriate actions by teaching children about hope.
Hope’s Three Components
Hope has three components: goals, pathways, and agency. Let’s look at each.
Goals of Hope
Children can tie into their sense of purpose when they make their goals. The first step to encourage hope is to have goals! Importantly, we have to encourage our children to make up their own goals rather than to live lives of external comparison and judgment. Getting to the root of the child: what makes their candle burn brighter?
This may be difficult as individualization is a lumpy process, and children are apt to ape others. How do they really know what they want and who they are as they separate from their family?
Pathways to Hope
Next, children need to understand how to get from here to their goals. They have to come up with pathways—how can I make progress?
This is also called Waypower, the idea is to understand that multiple things can and will go wrong in your pursuit of a goal, and you have to roll with the punches and devise a new plan sometimes.
Help your children see how they can get their goals accomplished.
Hope and Agency
Finally, you need to have agency. Kids need to know they can accomplish their goals via pathways.
This is also called willpower, but it is very similar to discipline. Without action, nothing happens.
Children need to know they can accomplish their dreams (or hopes, in this case) in order to initiate and sustain activities in support of the goals. I think I can, I think I can. Here, watch the internal dialogue and guide the child toward self-love.
How to Teach Children Hope
There is nothing more important to provide children than unconditional belonging. Not unconditional love, as love doesn’t work like that. But children always belong to their family.
Perhaps after teaching unconditional belonging, you can teach your children hope. Hope is a learned skill! Here are 11 lessons on how to teach your children hope.
Use the Language of Hope
Learn the language of hope and teach those around you that hope is a learned skill. There are three elements to hope that are included above: goals, pathways, and agency. Use the language of hope when talking to children about who they are and what they want. Age-appropriate translations, of course, are needed.
Honest Vulnerable Adults
We must teach our children emotional intelligence. Be the “not unhealthy parent.” It only takes one parent to demonstrate honest, vulnerable conversations and emotions. It only takes one healthy adult to make all the difference in a child’s life.
It is ok to talk about feelings. Teach them to have honest communication and become vulnerable adults who are able to understand the difference between internal and external desires.
Affirmations are for Kids
If you are burnt out on affirmations for yourself, maybe try them on your children. You give positive reinforcement. Find a way to reward good behavior.
Ask Open Ended Questions
Not “How was school today” but rather an open-ended question. What was the toughest (or your favorite) part of your day today? Keep asking.
Validate Them
Children need validation. Connect with your kids and tell them that you had the same thing happen to you when you were a kid. Common humanity is important. We all fall down now and again. And we all learn to walk, run, and infinity. Hope is provided to your children via empathetic validation.
They Talk to Know
Remember, they are not fully rational until they are 25 (or maybe never if male). If you are lucky, your children talk to you during quantity time, and they try to figure stuff out. Listen. Don’t fix. They need to tell you what happened so they can decide for themselves what it means. Don’t interpret reality for them; let them come to their own conclusions. Tell them you will always listen and that there are always two sides to every story. Or more. Listen more than you talk, especially with your children.
Accept No Negativity
Run from negative people. Covert narcissists are energy vampires. Yellow Rock them.
Hope for your children means you are the not unhealthy parent. You provide an example of emotional intelligence.
Instead of a “no,” what about yes/and? Don’t shoot down my idea! Improve it, say yes. And this might be better. Yes, and, means helping kids stay positive.
Teach Them About Mentors
Surround your children with role models. Find mentors.
Teach your children about finding mentors. What a gift! Help them find friends as an authentic expression of themselves.
Be Trauma-Informed
This comes down to emotional intelligence. It is said that 90% of families have emotional immaturity in them, and 10% of families lie.
Understand small t trauma and how it impacts attachment of your children.
Physical Touch
Provide love and affection for your kids in a way that is appropriate, non-threatening, and done with permission. Boundaries start and end with your body. This is a routine part of teaching children boundaries rather than enmeshment.
Tell Your Kid You Respect Them
Respect your Children!
Say You are Sorry
And mean it!
Help Each Child Over Time
Hope can be learned. Hope is a process. It is never done.
Expect New Chapters
Everything good comes to an end. It is a fact of life that there will be transitions and new chapters of life.
Where hope meets courage. This is when your child’s goal comes to an end. Time to help them reinvent themselves.
How to Teach Your Children Hope
If you had large T trauma in your life or small t trauma, it is ok to move on.
Trauma (via familiar emotional immaturity) affects all of us.
Teach children hope by demonstrating healthy and happy. Showing them how also to be healthy and happy by having hope. Hope is different than optimism.
Pursue goals, agency, and pathways to hope. Find others who do the same. While your children cannot do everything, they may be able to do anything if they are well-suited and have hope.
