Echoism – The Opposite of NPD
Echoism is the so-called opposite of narcissism. As we know, narcissistic traits are common and frequently adaptive (or healthy). Only when you get far out on the scale, do the traits become unhealthy or non-adaptive.
If the scale is from zero to 10, then we can set “healthy” narcissism at 5. Narcissistic personality disorder is at ten on this scale. Well, what is at zero? What is a lack of healthy narcissism called? It has a name—echoism.
What is Echoism?
Echoism was coined by psychologist Craig Malkin, who wrote Rethinking Narcissism in 2015. This is not a book to read if you want information on NPD and narcissistic abuse; rather, it attempts to describe narcissism as a trait, including the healthy aspect of it. All cultures and societies have people with narcissistic traits, meaning that it is likely healthy and adaptive for many individuals. Those of us who have suffered from convert narcissism from someone with NPD often wonder why we were susceptible to such abuse. While reasons vary, some (say, Ross Rosenberg) describe the human magnet syndrome, whereby narcissists and codependents (which he calls self-love deficiency) are magnetically attracted.
So, if NPD is having “too many” narcissistic traits, echoism is having too few or a lack of healthy narcissistic traits.
It is based on the Greek myth of Narcissus and the nymph Echo. Echo can only parrot back the last few words she hears and cannot be her own person (or nymph, as the case may be).
Echoism is a coping mechanism that develops in response to living with a narcissist.
Malkin describes the 3 E’s of narcissistic traits: exploitation, entitlement, and empathy impairments. People with NPD use exploitation, feel entitlement, and have empathy impairments. Echoists fear exploitation, feel un-entitled or not special, and have empathy towards others.
Traits of Echoists
Echoists are kind, supportive wall-flowers who may be highly intelligent and successful. They don’t want any spotlight and go out of their way to be ignored. They don’t feel special. They might get angry if you highlight or try to celebrate them.
Think of the big three personality traits of narcissism, and then what happens if you lack healthy amounts of that trait?
People with high levels of echoism:
- Meet the needs of others before their own
- Reject attention
- Don’t ask for help
- No Boundaries
- Are unaware of their needs
- Afraid to take up space
- Self-critical
- High in empathy
- Raised by a narcissist
- Recurrent relationships with a narcissist
- Fear of abandonment
- Avoid burdening others
Echoism vs. Codependency
Understanding that all models of personalities are wrong and some are useful, what is the difference between echoism and codependency? What is the opposite of a narcissist?
People with codependency try to control the behaviors of others, whereas echoists go out of their way to avoid recognition for their struggles.
Like codependents, echoists can be people-pleasing, but echoists don’t attempt to guide, manipulate, or control another’s actions like codependents do. Codependents also reduce stress by people-pleasing, whereas echoists define themselves by people-pleasing. Both echoists and codependents can be self-sacrificing, but codependents want attention for their sacrifices. (Source)
Codependency is not in the DSM either, and it has been difficult for me to understand it. It is a self-sacrificing, people-pleasing nature, where you try to fix yourself by fixing others. With echoism, your needs and personal goals inconvenience others. The fear of losing positive regard can leave you with a deep-seated need to focus on others so they continue to offer approval. You did everything you could to avoid burdening them — even if this meant your basic needs went unmet.
What Causes It?
How does someone develop Echoism? Parents teach the child the behavior, and it becomes adaptive for the child to survive the trauma. It is easier for the child to have these traits than other, more adaptive ones.
This can be from “eggshell parenting” or when the child becomes a caretaker. Generally, those affected have anxious or avoidant attachment styles, which is common with narcissistic parents. Shame and absence of self-love are common.
Overcoming Echoism
Those with NPD do not have insight into their condition, so change is impossible. They don’t think they need to change because they are perfect the way they are.
People with echoism can recognize that they have this condition and work via attachment theory to improve their relationships.
While you won’t find Echoism in the DSM, it is an interesting framework from which to work if you suffer from a narcissistic parent and have a difficult time understanding your needs. The cure is more “self-care” and working on self-love: journaling, art therapy, somatic therapy, and embodiment (yoga, walking, dancing, etc.). Mindfulness and meditation are always indicated.
An echo is a formless restatement of what others think. It has no shape or needs of its own.
The idea is to develop a “healthy” narcissism. The idea is that it is ok if you are a little special, have thoughts, feelings, goals, and aspirations of your own, and will continue to evolve and improve as a person.
I’m always trying to learn more about narcissism to help be the not unhealthy parent. Originally, before I understood narcissism, I wondered if I was codependent, but that didn’t quite fit. Then, I explored being highly sensitive. Not quite right either. Introvert? Attachment theory? Now, I have learned that the opposite of narcissism is echoism. And that doesn’t quite fit either. There are just as many personality disorders as there are personalities; take what works and reject the rest. Learning about different personalities can improve emotional intelligence and maturity.
