When a Narcissist Projects Gracelessness
What happens when your narcissist asks for Grace? Capital G Grace because he is either playing the victim, dog whistling, or gaslighting. Since the narcissist asked for Grace, they are playing you (just like they always play you). But what about the specific request for Grace? What is Grace to a narcissist?
Like when they ask for unconditional love, they expect you to love them regardless of how much they abuse you. They expect you to take the emotional abuse willingly; love is taking their pain for them.
More often than not, narcissists accuse you of lacking grace; gracelessness. This is an obvious projection resulting from their lack. Any time they accuse you of being x, you can be sure it is a projection meant to alleviate their existential dread resulting from having that quality.
When a narcissist asks for grace or projects gracelessness on you, what are they really saying?
What Grace Means to a Narcissist
Narcissists project their lack of grace onto you. It allows her to “fix” herself without acknowledging that she is the problem. She said: “Have some fxcking grace!” when held accountable for her behavior.
But what does she mean? The dictionary defines grace as simple elegance or refinement of movement, courteous goodwill. There is a religious overlay to grace. Grace, in Christian theology, is the spontaneous, unmerited gift of the divine favor in the salvation of sinners and the divine influence operating in individuals for their regeneration and sanctification.
To me, Grace is the gift of being accepted before we are acceptable. It is belonging; the experience of being accepted. You don’t need to be perfect, and grace does not demand anything but self-discipline. You give up trying to control others and stop the manipulation. You are responsible for yours.
Grace frees your spirit to let go and let be. Yourself; and others.
To the narcissist, a request for grace is a request for an unmerited gift of favor. To forget their actions and allow them to continue manipulating and abusing you. Grace is permission to ignore their actions and instead hear their silver, forked tongue promise crazy-making and gaslighting. They ask you to sanctify and approve their abuse when they ask for grace.
Don’t give narcissists grace.
Why does a narcissist want grace?
Why would a narcissist ask for grace? In my experience, it is a race to play the victim. They demand you don’t hold them accountable for their behavior and quickly revert to defense mechanisms. Playing the victim, you can say, “Poor me,” and have others see how much you have suffered while ignoring that the suffering is entirely self-imposed. They say, “Have some Fxcking Grace!” when you are on to them and ask them to account for their behavior.
Remember, there is no accounting for behavior. By definition, what they did was right and pure. If there is any question about who behaves questionably, that is you. Look for projection and reversion to their usual defense mechanisms. Give me some grace!
Why does a narcissist project gracelessness?
The more I study narcissistic behavior, most interactions are either projections or gaslighting.
When projecting, they assign you their own qualities that they find reprehensible; if you have them then they are fine. When gaslighting, they alter reality, allowing them to create their own fictional world where they are unassailable, and you play a moppet while they pull all the strings. It is a glorious and grandiose place to be in the mind of a narcissist.
They project gracelessness on you because they lack grace.
How to Grace
Grace:
Ask for forgiveness and grace from others
Especially those who have wronged you
Give forgiveness and grace to others
Especially those you have wronged
Receive forgiveness and grace
Give up controlling other people; allow yourself to receive grace
Grace winds up being spiritual since you only need grace from the one who truly matters. You ask for grace and receive it for you and the universe.
Grace and the Narcissist
In working with narcissistic disorders, it is necessary for the patient to incorporate grace and forgiveness into their sense of self, through the transmuting internalization of vicarious introspection of the therapist. This paper asserts that grace is a necessary and vital prerequisite for developmental and spiritual growth. Specific examples are included to help therapists identify and work within the therapeutic transference to help the patient integrate grace into their identity. (source)
Beyond the scope of this work is transmuting transference, which is a therapeutic option for narcissistic traits (in my mind, NPD is not treatable with traditional psychotherapy).
For you, the abused, grace is not a magic pill to make you less controlling. Grace is self-acceptance and self-love. You are accepted by the grace of one whose acceptance matters the most. Belonging in the universe is God’s grace. When you have unconditional belonging in your family, you have grace.
Grace is free of charge and abundant as long as you don’t deserve it. Instead, you ask for it, give it, and importantly receive it. This is being saved by grace.
