Narcissistic Boundary Testing
Narcissists frequently use “shit testing” (henceforth Testing) to see if you will be a good source of narcissistic supply.
This Testing is not infrequently one of the first red flags you will encounter from an emotionally immature person, though it may be encountered in different aspects of every type of relationship with a narcissist.
Let’s learn more about Testing and see how strong Internal and External Boundaries are necessary to protect yourself.
Where Did Testing Come From?
It seems as if the oldest use of Testing comes from mostly male forums where they describe testing in dating. It seems like this is a challenge to an alpha male from someone he is hitting on. If he takes the bait and acquiesces to the Test, then he is not truly an alpha male. So, the idea with Testing when dating is that you need to know that it is a test and reject the suggestion.
I did a poor job explaining the origins of Testing, so here is the traditional definition from Urban Dictionary:
A manufactured grievance a woman uses to test the mettle, competence and confidence of her mate. It is an intentional provocation accompanied by an implicit and subconscious desire that the man put his foot down, set reasonable boundaries and demonstrate that he will not be bullied, nagged, shamed or guilted into submission. Its purpose is to confirm for her that he is capable of doing what needs to be done to provide for and protect her and her children. The subconscious thought process is, “If he can’t stand up to me, how will he be able to deal with the cavemen down the valley who keep us up all night revving their motorcycles, let alone help bring down a mastodon or fend off the sabre toothed tigers?”
This is sometimes known as Narcissistic Boundary Testing as well, as that is exactly what it is. They are trying to see if they can push past your boundaries. If they can, you might be a good source of supply because you capitulated and, therefore, can be easily gaslit.
(slang, vulgar) A usually unconscious effort by a woman to test a man’s worthiness and social status.
(slang, vulgar, more broadly) An effort by one person to test the worthiness and social status of another.
~Wiktionary
Why the Expletive?
Why Sh\t Testing? I was recently Tested, just to see how much the narcissist in my life could get away with.
I apologize for using vulgar terminology, but there is no non-vulgar equivalent term to describe how someone with emotional immaturity (also known as “toxic,” character defective, or narcissistic traits) pushes boundaries early on in a relationship to figure out how much she can get away with. This can also be used, say, early on in a custody dispute in an attempt to push boundaries.
Remember, boundaries are abhorrent to the narcissist. They have no boundaries because they believe you are an object to be manipulated rather than a human being with feelings that deserves empathy. Because they lack empathy, they use you like a coffee maker, and when they are done with coffee, they put you on the shelf, walk away, and forget you ever existed. Until they need coffee again. If you tap them on the shoulder, they say, “what, I don’t want coffee; what are you doing here?” Back on the shelf you coffee maker.
Even if a mother loves her children, the kids are not “real people”; rather, they are mirrors to reflect her grandiosity. As heartbreaking as this is to realize, people with NPD treat their children as if they are objects, just like they treat every other human being. Not infrequently will they enmesh (utter lack of boundaries) with their golden child and use intermittent positive reinforcement and breadcrumbing on the scapegoat child to form a biochemical addiction (the trauma bond).
So, as you see, there are many terms to be understood before you can truly understand a narcissist. That is why expletives are necessary because it is descriptive.
And these terms are power to the abused. Those with cognitive dissonance, who have been abused and gaslighted for decades, need the power of these terms to understand what they are being put through. And know, other people have experienced the same abuses. And made it through the pain to the other side.
Only once you know about Testing might you think that you are, in fact, being Tested and take the necessary precautions to protect yourself.
How to React to Being Tested
As soon as you feel your boundaries being tested, know that nothing less than your soul is at stake. Narcissists have been described as energy vampires, as they will suck out what life you have left in you and leave you a husk of a person.
As soon as you find out you are being Tested, bug out. Say no. Remember, no is a complete sentence.
Hold to your boundary that is being challenged. If you give an inch, they will take a mile. More specifically, if you fail the test, more and more Testing is on its way just to see how far she can push.
The problem with Testing is that it never ends. That is why you must leave the narcissist in your life, if you can. If you cannot leave, the only thing you can do is protect yourself with boundaries like a fortress around your mind and soul.
Remember, boundaries are used to control you and not the narcissist. You cannot control the narcissist; you can only predict what they will do (because once you understand the abuse-cycles, their patterns of abuse are pretty typical and routine) and enforce the boundary. You can only control yourself. If the boundary is an “if…then” statement, you must enforce the consequence. That is the control you have, to control what you do. What you will tolerate in your life. You cannot change what the narcissist does; you can only say, Oh, Of Course she did that. Of Course, she did that because that’s just what narcissists do. Don’t take it personally; they are only doing it to you because they think that you are a good source of supply for them. As you have been in the past. The Testing does not stop because she thinks she deserves everything good, and anything not good is someone else’s fault.
Also, remember that boundaries are both internal and external. Internal boundaries are how you treat yourself. No one will treat you better than you treat yourself, so you must work on your self-worth and your self-love. Internal boundaries are rules about you. They are you, aspects of your life, and inviolate promises to yourself. Internal boundaries are the cornerstone of your self-worth.
External boundaries, on the other hand, are placed on those around you. But again, the consequence is not to her if she violates the boundary; the consequence is that you enforce what you said would happen if the boundary was crossed. How will you let the narcissist in your life treat you?
How to react if you are Tested? Point it out and say, nope, this will not happen. Hold firm, and know you will be tested. Continuously.
Other Similar Narcissistic Traits
Grooming is similar to Testing, except with grooming, the narcissist prepares you to be a better source of narcissistic supply in the future. Not infrequently, narcissist grooms their children to become something that better represents their grandiosity.
Conditioning is similar to grooming but involves recurrent crossing of a boundary once it has been breached.
This is also similar to Turning Red Flags Yellow. Well, at least she doesn’t hit me. Even though she has crossed every other boundary you had in your life, at least she hasn’t hit me yet. This is a red flag that you turn yellow because you have been conditioned to do so. Slowly crossing one boundary after another. It all starts when the first boundary falls, after Testing.
Summary – Narcissistic Testing
Watch out for “shit-testing” when a narcissist attempts to see how much she can get away with. Given a history of NPD, you should quickly catch on to the shit test and then call her out on it. She will then use gaslighting and denial as defense mechanisms (typical of the emotional abuse she usually uses) once she knew she had been caught. Remember, those with personality disorders believe they are “normal” and blame others when they make mistakes.
Just like she will do when she gets caught Testing you.
Yellow Rocking might be your best alternative. Similar to Grey Rocking, you just add some politeness in case anyone ever reads the communication.
Remember, narcissists lie. They will manipulate you to get whatever they need. Keep your boundaries firm, especially when you are being Tested. Which, with a narcissist, is all the time.
