Post-Separation Abuse by Proxy
After divorcing a narcissist, post-separation abuse is common. When the narcissist uses another person to perpetuate the abuse after the relationship ends, it is post-separation abuse by proxy.
Since narcissists continue to find supply post-separation, let’s explore this common phenomenon and learn to identify post-separation abuse by proxy.
Abuse by Proxy
Abuse by proxy is a form of emotional abuse perpetrated by a third party.
This third party can be a known entity (flying monkeys) or a more neutral third party (such as the legal system, a specific judge or lawyer, therapists, etc.).
Abuse by proxy is done for various reasons, the most important being that they can. Narcissists will continue to get low-level (or “coal level”) narcissistic supply by irritating, harassing, pestering, or otherwise low-level abusing you. It is more of the same: humiliating, triangulating, making you think everyone is against you, “proving” you are crazy; meanwhile, they avoid detection.
Thus, the abuse is performed by a third party but done for the same reason narcissists abuse people; it gives them supply.
Narcissistic abuse by proxy is often subtle and thus difficult to identify.
Narcissistic Abuse by Proxy
Narcissists are masters of abuse by proxy. They use third parties to triangulate and abuse.
Flying monkeys are common.
Triangulation is expected. They say you said something to someone, and they tell you that that someone said something about you. Neither is true, but it leaves you scornfully looking at the third party (and them looking at you). Narcissists use intentional, usually false, and manipulative language to get in the way of your relationships with others with the intent to hurt you socially. They continue isolating you post-separation.
Smear campaigns and character assassination are often done by proxy. This allows them to keep their clean reputation while continuing to devalue and discard you.
Dog Whistling is another way they abuse you. It is not done by proxy, but it is done so subtly that no one else notices the abuse. The third party in dog whistling is the absence of notice by a third party.
Social media has greatly expanded the opportunity for narcissistic abuse by proxy. Cyberbullying or other online harassment is common. Stalking online or in person is possible.
Narcissists also manipulate professionals such as therapists, court-ordered consultants, and law enforcement.
Finally, they use their children as a source of leverage. Sadly, it happens. Expect it. The goal is for you to be the not unhealthy parent and give your children a chance to find their own version of reality rather than to be sucked into the narcissist’s vortex.
Post-Separation Narcissistic Abuse
Finally, we arrive at the post-separation part. This means the relationship is over. If you were not married, you have gone no-contact. If you cannot go no-contact, you have learned how to Yellow Rock the Narcissist in Your Life.
Examples of Post-Separation Narcissistic Abuse include:
- Legal Abuse (where they use the legal system to harass you)
- Financial Abuse (comes in many forms, but ongoing legal expenses in an attempt to bankrupt you is common)
- Co-Parenting Abuse
- Parallel-Parenting Abuse
- Overt and Effusive Over-Communication with the intent to harass or confuse
- Manipulation through Mutual Contacts
- Alienation Tactics
Narcissistic Post-Separation Abuse by Proxy
Abuse by proxy is just abuse. It leads to self-blame, isolation, and low self-worth and can lead to PTSD or C-PTSD. It is manipulating stories, half-truths, and lies. Abusers distort reality, creating confusion and cognitive distortion. The goal is to erode a person’s self-identity and leave them hopeless and powerless.
Also called proxy abuse or indirect abuse, abuse by proxy refers to a situation where an abuser manipulates or coerces others to harass, stalk, or otherwise abuse their victim on their behalf.
Tactics include garden variety gaslighting, lying, and manipulation, but also include lying by omission, telling half-truths and misleading statements, trying to deceive or trigger you, and the like. Ultimately, legal or financial abuse is common.
After the relationship ends, the narcissist still needs to exert control and terrorize. There is always the need for control, the need to “win,” and the continued emotional abuse. If you are still a source of supply, you are at risk for post-separation abuse.
As I have only lightly touched on the subject, here is a comprehensive look at post-separation abuse.
