Relentless Flying Monkeys
The monkeys fly and the narcissist cackles!
Why do narcissists use flying monkeys to do their dirty business, and how do you stand up to that business? As you can imagine, it’s complicated as the monkeys think they are just protecting your abuser.
It is time to understand the circus antics of the flying monkey and disarm them, thereby disarming the narcissist in your life.
What are Flying Monkeys?
We get up at 12 and start to work at one! Take an hour for lunch, and then at two, we’re done! Jolly good Fun. ~The Wizard of Oz
The wicked witch controls the flying monkeys in The Wizard of Oz. The movie. I hear the book has quite an interesting back story on the fictional monkeys, but we are more interested in the live flying monkeys in your life now.
Who are Flying Monkeys?
These (usually) co-dependent spectrum folks are lured into the service of the narcissist to do his evil business. It involves triangulation (by which the narcissist double-talks both parts of the triad—the narcissist, the co-dependent soon-to-be flying monkey, and the affected—into doing battle) and some grooming and other delightful, fascinating characteristics of the covert narcissist.
Monkeys are groomed over time to serve their master’s dark agenda. Evil.
Narcissists use them to attack and manipulate you and shake your confidence. They can smear you directly or indirectly. They pester you, or they can spread untruths.
Not infrequently, the flying monkey does the main smear campaign because this keeps the narcissist’s hands clean. They don’t have to talk smack about you, at least not in public.
Flying Monkeys are perfect for covert narcissists since they like to stay undercover and not draw attention to themselves. The monkey does the dirty work.
Characteristics of Flying Monkeys
How does a flying monkey act? Well, they will call you crazy. Remember, it is important for the narcissist in your life to demonstrate to others that you are crazy and that they are sane. And, more importantly, still, since narcissists have limited ability to self-reflect, they actually believe that they are normal and there is nothing wrong with them.
Flying monkeys will twist the truth, gaslight, break into your house and leave the window open, proving they were there… anything to bother you but leaves the narcissist with an aura of innocence since all they did was set the monkey on to you.
Who becomes a flying monkey? Those who themselves have strong narcissistic traits make excellent flying monkeys. When there is a co-benefit for both, look out. Expect these folks to tap out eventually and leave you alone when it is no longer in their best interest to persecute you to gain favor from your narcissist.
General neurotics (people with high anxiety or other bread-and-butter mental health issues) are also flying monkey fodder. Narcissists confidently enchant them to assuage anxiety and foment action that supports their evil agenda.
Drama seekers! Narcissists are like tornadoes—everywhere they go, chaos ensues. This is because boredom is death to a narcissist (they might have to face their true self rather than their façade if they are bored). Being a flying monkey for a king narcissist is never boring, and drama seekers surround narcissists like Carrion.
Co-dependants are most likely to become flying monkeys. The magnet-like attraction between narcissists and co-dependants is so much that you must check yourself for co-dependency and cure your self-love deficiency if you’ve ever had a narcissist in your life. Co-dependents view their monkey business as rescuing, and it validates them and provides satisfaction and a sense of purpose.
Once you know about flying monkeys, you will see them everywhere. Think of the political and sports narcissist and their entourage. Yup, monkeys are everywhere—that entourage flies.
Why do narcissists have flying monkeys? Why do narcissists do anything—it gives them supply. It feeds their grandiosity, knowing they control someone to do the dirty work. Expect guilt tripping and worse.
Family members make great flying monkeys because, not infrequently, the narcissist has an entire narcissistic ecosystem in their extended family. Not only might her dad be a narcissist, but her grandmother too. Emotional immaturity runs in families.
I’m a Flying Monkey!
What to do if you are a flying monkey? At the center of every monkey-narcissist relationship is a lack of boundaries. Boundaries are anathema to the narcissist, and they shit test at every opportunity to figure out whom they can bring into the fold. If you think you are a flying monkey, try to say no even once. Check out the response. After the disbelief on the face of the narcissist passes, note how they try to manipulate you. If you are a flying monkey, take a vacation from the narcissist—say no for a week and see what changes in your relationship.
Weaknesses of Flying Monkeys
Some strategies to deal with flying monkeys. The best strategy is not to deal with them.
Cut them off via strong boundaries. Just don’t talk to them and actively exclude them from your life. Part of discovering the narcissist in your life involves the realization you will cut many toxic people out of your life. Once you learn to see toxicity, ruthlessly trim contacts. “No-contact” is not just for the narcissist but for any toxic person in your life. You might lose friends and family, but that is an acceptable cost to have your own personal version of reality restored.
If you cannot cut the monkey out of your life, then grey rocking (and yellow rocking when appropriate) is the next step. Emotionless one-word answers, minimal eye contact, and not reacting are key to protecting yourself from flying monkeys.
If you find the monkey triggers you, do what you can to get away and regain your composure. Your goal is to respond and not react.
If you lose your mind, then you might act crazy, just like they say you are. Control your emotions and respond rather than react. This is where mindfulness plays a role in preparing you for being triggered. Once you are triggered, there are ways to help you recover.
You will have some true friends who see through the narcissist’s monkeys. Value these friends and share stories of resilience in the face of adversity.
Summary – Flying Monkeys
Flying monkeys are to be expected in the final discard. Sooner if your narcissist is crafty and quickly turns this co-dependent spectrum person into a monkey. The narcissist is always scheming and creating triangles where he lets a special friend or family member do the dirty work.
When healing from narcissistic abuse, you will find that more than half of your “friends” disappear as you no longer tolerate toxicity. The goal is to have these folks self-select out of your life. You recognize toxicity so readily that these people run because they can sniff a whiff of self-authenticity on your breath. Healing brings new friends and open, honest, and vulnerable conversations. You start to belong again.
Going no-contact with narcissists and their flying monkeys is the only way to root them out of your life. You cannot change people; you can only protect yourself with internal and external boundaries.