Help for Children While Parallel Parenting
When kids return from time with a narcissist, they need decompression and de-programming.
De-programing means that they can settle in, yet again, with the good enough parent.
How to Help Your Children De-Program
Structure and consistency are necessary for secure attachment. Provide structure. Chaos reigns at their other house, and the goal is to be the not unhealthy, or good enough parent. Don’t ask about their time away; give them love and space to re-integrate into a more peaceful, empathetic, and emotionally intelligent home.
Listen to your kids. Allow them to express positive and negative feelings. Let them know that they belong. Family is unconditional belonging. Add mindfulness given as liberally as healthy snacks.
Parallel parenting means different rules in different houses. The kids are fine with that; have consistent boundaries with them and their other parent.
Whatever helps recovery from the chaos. Help them learn to decompress and rest. Sleep. Good food. Routine. Schedule. Time alone. Time together. Play. Rest. Recovery.
Rules of Parallel Parenting
De-programing kids after they return from a narcissistic spouse is a process. Understanding some rules of parallel parenting can help.
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Each house has a different set of rules
You have no control over what happens when the kids are not with you. Acceptance is as key as knowing you are in charge when the kids are with you. Make rules and enforce them. They need to learn boundaries from the not unhealthy parent.
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Don’t engage in parenting style debates
Complaining about your ex-spouse’s parenting style is a source of narcissistic supply, just as when you respond to a complaint about your parenting style. Disengage from any discussions of parenting styles.
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Don’t put the kids in the middle
Kids are not the messengers. Every month, remind them that they are solely responsible for their reality and that their truth is real. Tell them your truth, too, and they are responsible for deciding their beliefs.
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Call out lies
When you hear a lie, call it out—truth matters.
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Remember physiology
Recovery from a high-stress environment requires time. The chaotic environment is full of dopamine-inducing events and cortisol due to overstimulation and lack of sleep. This means that you don’t discuss anything until everyone has had time to calm down, and you give them 12-24 hours to decompress when they return.
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Treat parallel parenting like a business agreement
Because it is.
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Don’t communicate unless necessary
Yellow Rocking and no contact are the best alternatives when parallel parenting with a narcissist.
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What is in the kid’s best interest?
As a good enough parent, what is in my kid’s interest? I am happy they have a mother or father. If you forgive and radically accept the other parent, you can be happy when the children benefit from the relationship. Remember, it only takes one good enough parent, and you can only control what you can control. Be fine when the kids are not with you. Children do best with two parents.
De-programming Kids When They Return from the Narcissist
Help your kids transition when parallel parenting with a narcissist. De-programming is finding secure attachment with the good enough parent. De-program through attunement, mindfulness, and emotional intelligence.
Attunement means tapping into what they are feeling and being kind and compassionate. And attunement means that you can lead them to calmness and response rather than reaction.
Mindfulness is delicious. Play is mindfulness, and children live in the moment. If you can share play with children, you help them explore mindfulness.
Emotional intelligence helps them find space. Permit them to be themselves, to play and grow, and to explore passions. Promote self-acceptance and self-love. Help them understand empathy. We all have high moods and low moods, and suffering is due to the belief that there is only one way forward.
De-programing means that they can settle in, yet again, with the good enough parent.
