Physician Retirement Jokes

Physician Retirement Jokes and Funny Doctor Retirement Quotes

Physician Retirement Jokes and Funny Doctor Retirement Quotes


Funny Doctor retirement quotes are no laughing matter. After all, deciding to end your clinical career is serious business.

Let’s look at some physician retirement jokes to make me feel better and so that we don’t cry after retirement.


Physician Retirement Jokes

Does an apple a day keep the retired doctor away?

Only if you aim it well enough.


“Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing into the future.”

“When did this start?”

“Next Tuesday.”


“And what do you think is the best thing about being 105?” the doctor asked. She simply said, “No peer pressure.”


Retirement Means “no refills remaining”

A distraught senior phoned her doctor’s office.

“Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”

“Yes, I’m afraid so,” the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS.’”


Or, Better Late than Never

“I have some bad news and some very bad news.”

“Well, might as well give me the bad news first.”

“The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.”

“24 HOURS! That’s terrible!! What could be worse? What’s the very bad news?”

“I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.”


Doctor Retirement Jokes for the Pandemic

What did the doctor say to the rocket ship?

“Time to get your booster shot!”


Why do surgeons wear masks?

So no one will recognize them when they make a mistake.


I’ve never vaccinated any of my kids.

I just pay the pediatrician to do it.



Funny Doctor Retirement Quotes We Won’t Miss

Did you hear about the guy who lost his whole left side?

He’s all right now!


“You are very sick.”

“Can I get a second opinion?”

“Yes, of course! You are very ugly too.”


I went to the doctor, and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?


The man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, “I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”

“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.”

“OK,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”


Dr. Jokes for the Holidays

Why did Santa’s helper see the doctor?

He had low elf esteem.


Doctor Retirement One Liners

“Doctor, doctor, I’ve got a strawberry stuck in my ear!”

“Don’t worry, I have some cream for that.”


How did the doctor cure the invisible man?

He took him to the ICU.


“Will this ointment clear up my spots?”

“I never make rash promises.”


Who is the coolest doctor in the hospital?

The hip consultant.


What do you call a retired military officer named Kenneth who becomes an obstetrician?

General Ken OB.


I thought chiropractors were a big hoax.

But I stand corrected.


“Doctor, there’s a patient on line one who says he’s invisible.”

“Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”


The Last Physician Retirement Jokes

A man goes to the doctors and says, “Doctor, I think I’m going deaf!”

And the doctor says, “Can you describe the symptoms?”

The man responds, “Yes, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair.”


A elderly retiree wobbled gingerly into an ice cream shop and carefully, slowly climbed up onto a counter stool. He wheezed for a minute, then ordered a chocolate sundae. “Crushed nuts?” asked the server. “No,” he answered. “Bad knees.”



Funny Physician Retirement Quotes

Make sure you retire before it’s too late to have a good time.


“You can’t retire from being great.”


I can’t wait to retire so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.


“The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.”


“There’s one thing I always wanted to do before I quit . . . . retire!” – Groucho Marx


I’m retired… but I work part-time as a pain in the butt!


Retired and happy… spending my kids’ inheritance!


Retirement is what you do between doctor appointments.


Retirement: the pay sucks, but the hours are really good!


How about that for some funny doctor retirement quotes!



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