What Happens When a Narcissist Hits an Effective Boundary
Once you understand you are dealing with a covert narcissist, you must set clear boundaries to protect yourself. A narcissist finds boundaries intolerable because they lose control. So when setting up a boundary with a narcissist, expect it to be challenged as a matter of course.
But how do you know if you have an effective boundary? What happens when a narcissist hits an effective boundary? You can expect a response because that is what is in the playbook. What are the possible responses to expect?
Narcissists Complain, Criticize, and Lie
Effective boundaries with narcissists are the standard of care. You have to put these in as firewalls.
As you divorce the covert narcissist, you find yourself re-establishing boundaries over and over again. Often establishing a small boundary is the first sign you see of problems in the relationship. And they are important in your decision to leave and go no-contact.
Narcissists complain, criticize, and lie. That’s just what they do. You have effective boundaries to protect yourself and your children.
Boundaries do not control their behavior; they control your behavior as you do something in response to their boundary violation. If you say you are going to walk away, walk away.
Because narcissists must control everyone around them, as a matter of fact, they push boundaries either overtly or passive-aggressively.
Remember, to a narcissist; you are just an object. If the coffee maker taps you on the shoulder, you would be surprised, and since the coffee maker didn’t read your mind and do what you expected it to do, it must be bad. This is splitting; you are all bad now that you dared to have an independent thought. Bad coffee maker!
Not having control is intolerable to a narcissist. How do they respond?
Most Common Response to Boundaries
Let’s look at this response as an example of when a narcissist hit an effective boundary.
“I believe your selfish decision has damaged the marital estate and that there will be penalties”
This is a good example. Criticism that is a projection, by the way, followed by grandiosity and a threat.
A common response to constructing a boundary with a narcissist is criticism, projection, and threat.
Note the projection (calling your audacity to attempt to stop their control of you ”selfish” when they are the self-centered one). Next, they deserve all of their money and all of your money. What is his is his and what is mine is his. The marital estate is shorthand for everything he thinks he deserves since he deserves everything (grandiosity), and you deserve punishment. See, he even said there would be penalties!
As you can see, criticism via projection and a threat (which is what they think you deserve anyway) indicates that you have an effective boundary against a narcissist!
Setting Boundaries with a Toxic Ex: Why Their Negative Reactions Are a Sign You’re Doing it Right in Your High Conflict Divorce or Child Custody Case
However, when you set boundaries with a toxic ex, it is almost inevitable that they will try to gaslight, manipulate or guilt-trip you into giving up your boundaries. They may accuse you of holding grudges, being selfish, or not caring about others. This can make it incredibly hard to stick to your boundaries and maintain your resolve.
You’re Doing It Right!
Which Facade to Wear?
Which boundary should you consider? That depends on your personal journey. What happens if you set an effective boundary? You get to see what facade the narcissist decides to wear. As they learned behavior by mirroring others, you can see them choose from their playbook of past mirroring episodes. Here is “What to Expect When Setting Boundaries:”
Setting firm boundaries with somebody who has narcissistic personality disorder may trigger them into cycling through their behavior. Be prepared for them to:
- Act like a victim
- Argue with you
- Blame you or make things seem like your fault
- Accuse you of being too sensitive
- Minimize your feelings
- Become angry
Other Common Responses to an Effective Boundary
Other common responses:
- guilt-tripping
- disregarding the boundary (oh, I forgot!)
- disregarding the boundary and then gaslighting you (oh, you were serious about that? That’s crazy)
- undermining your credibility
- foment the flying monkeys
- enriching the smear campaign
- the ever-popular silent treatment
- withhold love
- withhold loving
- or if you are very unlucky, you might get hoovered again.
Rare
This can rarely lead to narcissistic rage, which feels like an age-appropriate tantrum depending on her age of inner child wounding (2.5-4 years or 6-10 years). Discard is also possible and may take the form of blowing up bridges (saying you called a divorce attorney just for the reaction).
Other forms of overt punishment are dog whistling, devaluing, gaslighting, playing the victim, and, occasionally, just giving in because they know they are being tested (They understand what sh-t-testing is).
Effect of Effective Boundaries
A negative response from a narcissist means you have an effective boundary that prioritizes the well-being of your children and your own well-being. Their sense of control must be challenged to stand up for yourself and your legal rights.
Finally, remember boundaries are not about punishment or getting revenge. It is about creating a healthy environment for yourself and your children. It establishes clear and consistent rules that everyone must follow for a healthy relationship.
Expect pushback, punishment, and being called selfish when you set boundaries. Still, keep doing what is best for your family. Stay firm in your boundaries and keep the manipulations away.
