Codependency
Codependency is hard to wrap your mind around. I couldn’t do it for 20 years. It just never made sense to me; it was as if the synapses wouldn’t fire. Now it is not as if the term is that confusing; if you cannot understand codependency, you have it (or another condition of emotional immaturity) or aren’t trying.
Fundamentally, codependency is a trait like other traits you get from attachment wounds (or, more generally, conditions of emotional immaturity such as narcissism). Codependency is the energetic opposite of narcissism in the opposites-attract spectrum. Just like magnets, a codependent seeks a narcissist and vice versa.
Emotional immaturity and the labels we put on such behavior patterns (like codependent and narcissist) have a spectrum of penetrance in each individual; we all have similar traits. Alcoholism is also an attachment trauma; one in the depths of alcoholism treats codependents narcissistically.
What is codependency? Importantly, codependency is the search for control. Not control of the self, but control of others. Codependents control others, and they lose themselves in the failed pursuit.
Instead, the solution to codependency is to care honestly and compassionately for yourself.
Let’s look at codependency and discuss some codependency cures.
What is Codependency?
Codependency is the maladaptive attempt to control other people’s behavior.
Codependency means worrying about other people in an attempt to control them. You feel like the victim, and you lose yourself.
Often, the codependent is the responsible-looking person in the room. If you look responsible and dependable and wonder if you are the one with the problem, then you might be codependent.
A formal definition of codependency is
a dysfunctional relationship dynamic where one person assumes the role of ‘the giver;’ sacrificing their own needs and well-being for the sake of the other, ‘the taker.’
Codependency is a defense mechanism brought on by emotional immaturity in your parents. Often times you have a narcissistic or codependent parent (and usually one of each). Why you become codependent vs. narcissistic is poorly understood (at least by me). Both are attachment trauma where, neurologically (and thus emotionally or psychologically), you didn’t get mirrored or something else needed as a child. Don’t blame your parents, however, as they got it from their parents. This is intergenerational trauma.
Perhaps the book best to research the topics is a good old 1986 classic Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It has apparently been updated, but I enjoyed the old squishy language since codependency is ill-defined. Her treatment objective is for the codependent to detach lovingly, thus taking care of themselves more than others.
What Goes Through the Mind of a Codependent Person?
What might go through the mind of a codependent person? Not infrequently, life is out of control, which is why they must control other people. After all, no one else notices or cares that life is out of control and that you are there to rescue them.
How else can you feel better about yourself? How can you stop the pain and get in control of your life? Do for others what you cannot do for yourself.
Codependency is caretaking in the worst sense of the word. It is caretaking brought on by low self-worth, shame, and repressive behaviors. Associated with codependence: guilt; control; denial; dependency; failure of communication; boundary issues; loss of trust; anger. If compassion turns into caretaking, you are codependent.
In this setting, “Co” means “their.” My mood depends on:
Their moods
Their behavior
Their sickness
Their love
Dependent on them is the “co” part of codependent. Ironically, you appear independent but are actually dependent.
You look strong but feel helpless.
Stop overreacting to everything; everything is not a crisis. He will be just fine without you. You are at risk because of your low self-worth of reacting and being left out like a puppet hanging on strings.
Stop the hidden panic becoming hysteria. Stop making a crisis reaction into a habit. Stop focusing on yourself and your first feelings; the first feeling you encounter in your mind is not YOU. Remember common humanity; we all have that first feeling. All humans are put through the question of caring for others at the expense of ourselves. We all go through that range of feelings. Just because you feel something doesn’t mean that it is you. Let go of the feelings to rescue someone to give your life meaning.
My Saga of Codependence
My story begins at a local codependent anonymous meeting. I went because I could not figure out what codependency meant for the life of me. I thought maybe I am codependent; this forced the question: if I’m codependent, then what am I codependent to? This unlocked the other hard word to warp my mind around: narcissism.
Retirement gave me the space to resolve much of my shame and self-hatred through inner child work. Ultimately, I have emotional immaturity from intergenerational trauma. I’m on the codependent side of the spectrum (though I have plenty of narcissistic traits), and low self-worth left me vulnerable to exploitation by narcissism. That’s some self-diagnosis, doc. But that’s what gives me the hope and optimism I need to find a better future for myself and my kids. My goal is to not be the emotionally unhealthy parent so that they can escape intergenerational trauma.
If you have difficulty getting the neuronal synapses to figure out what means codependency means, you might be like a fish in water. That is, ask a fish what water is. They will shrug and have no idea what you are talking about. Narcissists cannot recognize narcissism because that is the water of their formidable years. And the same with codependency. There is a lot to unpack in the world of intergenerational trauma (and emotional immaturity). It affects most of us; we raise children as mirrors of how we were raised.
If you can’t quite understand what codependency means yet, just keep after it. Eventually, you find a string that lets you pull a few first strands of the whole rotting pile of emotional garbage that turns up once you understand the importance attachment trauma plays in your life.
Let Go of Codependence
I postulate that there is a personality disorder associated with codependency that cannot be cured. These folks don’t recognize they have an issue (even when that issue is killing them), so they cannot improve. Like narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), she won’t get better if she cannot even recognize that’s what she has. NPD stems from an early injury when you are supposed to figure out not-me from me. Codependent Personality Disorder starts at the same point and results in neural pathways that cannot recognize that this type of personality is abnormal enough to have a diagnosis. Since codependency is not a DSM-recognized term, codependent personality disorder is just an extreme amount of codependent traits. But it is why I knew I didn’t belong at a codependent anonymous group meeting.
Regardless, the important thing to know is that if you can understand codependency, there is hope for recovery. It’s funny that I assign a much lesser chance for the narcissistic traits to be healed.
Recovery is discovering that you are only responsible for yourself. Starting to heal, remember to get your balance first. Just get started healing. Grow forward and learn to love yourself again. First, learn how to have fun again!
In the journey, you find yourself. First, awareness, then acceptance.
Since attachment trauma is the underlying issue (inner child wound) responsible for codependency, detachment is a good place to start the journey.
Instead of overinvolvement, worry, and obsession, what about detachment? Instead of the anxiety that offers an illusion of control, find a way to detach.
Detachment means each person is responsible for themselves. You cannot solve anyone else problem, and worrying does not help.
Give others and yourself room to grow. Other codependence cures are:
ultimately, loving yourself more than you love others
Losing Yourself for Another
A codependent person is lost for another. They lose the ability to say yes or no. They stop taking 100% responsibility for life and become a victim in your mind. More than just caring for others, you start to rescue them.
“However, at the heart of most rescues is a demon: low self-worth. We rescue because we don’t feel good about ourselves. Although the feelings are transient, caretaking provides us with a temporary hit of good feelings, self-worth, and power.”
To overcome codependency, your thoughts, beliefs, and being must become less reactionary to a temporary hit of good feelings. This is the correlate of freedom where you can, at least briefly, respond rather than react to a stimulus and do better. Be better.
How much do you react? Are you trying to control other people’s lives? How is that working for you?
Or others around you, how is it working for them?
Codependency
Maybe what you think about others are just passing fantasies. Don’t take your thought so seriously. Acknowledge them, and let them go. Live in the now and accept reality, and mind your own business. What others think about you is none of your business.
I’m not codependent. I’ve got some traits, but I’m pretty narcissistic sometimes, too.
Healing inner child wounds is a way of life and a gift for yourself and others. It is a gift for you to focus on yourself; you do you. Put on your oxygen mask first; honestly, they don’t care about you anyway.
When you react, you give up everything real and honest about yourself. Caretaking as rescuing… Don’t get upset again – how well has that worked for you so far? There is no shame in being codependent. The work is getting better once you wrap your mind around it.
